Never Again
by LovelyDM95
Summary: "Damn it, Ginny. This is ridiculous. I love you. I need you. You can't just shut me out. I know you need me too. I can feel it. I can see it when you look at me this is just dumb."  "Harry, I just can't. You say you want me to be happy. Then just go."
1. After the Battle

A/N: So I am revamping. I went back to work on this and changed some things. I am working on the next chapter now. Nothing really new, if you are aready reading this one, but some things have changed.

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><p>After the Battle<p>

I see him looking at me from across the Great Hall. I know that he wants to talk to me, and I can see the look in his eyes. He is determined to make the time for it, but not yet. I am not ready for it. When I look in his eyes I see my heart shattered on the ground in a million pieces. I know he is alive now, and I know everything is supposed to be okay, but it's not because he died. I saw Hagrid carry him out of the forest, and I saw Voldemort throw his body around like a rag doll and proclaim victory. So all I see is him, lying lifeless on the ground, and I hear Ron and Hermione screaming and crying, the devastation on the faces of everyone around me. I feel my father hold me back as I try to run to him. I feel the emptiness, it's like my heart has been replaced by a black hole, and there is no relief. His eyes, I was sure I was never going to fall into the pools of emerald again. Everytime our eyes meet, it kills me. It's worse because I can see the love and the happiness and planning in his mind. I wonder if he can sense the hurt in mine.

I look down and Fred is lying lifeless on the floor, with my mother and George draped over him sobbing. He is lying next to Lupin, Tonks, Colin, and countless other who will never see how wonderful it is to be free of such evil. I am dead on the inside. I can't bear it. It's too much to deal with this, I need to escape. I turn and run.

"Ginny!" my mother cries out.

"Ginny! Ginny!" my brothers call out for me, but I don't turn.

I have to get away. I need space, I can't breathe. I run out the doors, toward the lake, seeing all the blood on the lawn, as red streaks as I fly by. I run until I am on the other side of the lake. I find the small outcrop of trees where I used to hide with him. It's our place no one will ever look for me here. I lay down on the damp grass. It's cold, but I don't really notice. Everything is cold now, I guess this must be what shock feels like. I just lay there looking up at the leaves. Staring, trying to forget everything. I need to forget.

I don't know how long I am there, I wake up and I am still alone and it is dark. Finally, I start to cry. I hope this is a good sign, that is will lessen some of the pain. I know no one can make me feel better. The only person in the world, who could ever make me feel better, is the only person in the world I know I can't see because I'm pretty sure I will completely break if he is too close. I am falling apart and one more look from him will do irreversible damage to my already fragile mental state, but I want him. I want him and I know that I have to be far away before he can find me.

I can hear people shouting my name. I must have been gone a long time. I know that no one knows to look for me here. Only one other person knows this place and I hear him call out. That beautiful, haunting voice of his, is beckoning me to him. I feel my body shake. I have to get out of here. I can't deal with this now. I just can't bear to see his face or feel his touch. Oh, his touch would kill me now. I can't do this, not now, not yet. I sneak out of the trees, to the edge of the forest. I slowly make my way back until I can see my brother Charlie

"Charlie" I call out.

"Ginny, where have you been, we have been looking for you for hours. Mum is about to collapse with worry… Geez, Gin, you look like hell."

"Charlie, I need your help. I am not ready to see… him, yet. Do you think you could sneak me back into the castle, you can send mum up as soon as we find somewhere. Please Charlie, I don't think I can.. I don't want to…" I hear my self sobbing. I really need to go somewhere and lay down.

"Gin, I think you are in shock. You need to breathe. Take slow deep breaths, there you go. Are you sure you want us to keep Harry away, I mean he is going to snap…" he asks.

All I can do is nod. He said his name. I can't hear his name. The world starts to spin, and I can see the black forming around the edge of my vision. In the center, black hair, gorgeous green eyes that are lifeless on the ground. Oh, Gods, I feel Charlie's arms catch me before I hit the ground.

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><p>I watch her run out of the hall with her family calling out to her. I started to go after her; I knew exactly where she is running to. I saw the anguish in her eyes, I know that she is angry, hurt. I don't know what I'm going to say, I just need to go to her. Just as I turn to head for the door, I am surrounded by dozens of people patting me on the back, congratulating me, gripping me in tight hugs. Can't they tell I need to go? Don't they feel the tension radiating off my body? The only body I want to feel close to mine is hers. The only voice I want to hear is hers. Why won't these people leave me alone? I realize that I have to deal with all of this before I can focus on her. I don't want to but, I can't see any way to escape now. Merlin, she looked so bloody broken. I need to fix it, now… Before it's too late.<p>

"Kingsley, I want to meet with you first thing in the morning to discuss the future of the Ministry. Is that okay with you?" I yell out. People start to back away as I close distance between us.

"Harry that will be wonderful, I have several things that I need to discuss with you, but you look like hell. You need some sleep." He calls back.

"Thanks, Kingsley. I feel like hell." As I pat him on the back, I lean in, "I'm going to say something quick, but do you think you can deal with this after that?" He nods.

"Thank you, everyone," the hall falls silent; everyone is hanging on my every word. "I plan to speak with everyone who had a part in helping me. But first I need to be with my family. I have lost several dear friends, and a few people who were my only family." At this, I have to talk a second to control my emotions as thoughts of Fred, Remus, Tonks, and Colin, flow through my mind. "I just would like to say, to everyone here, without all of you, this would not be over and I can't tell you how happy I am that it is. Tom Riddle was a horrible person, but none of you need to worry anymore, it is truly over. Thank you."

I look over and see Hermione beaming at me, with Ron's arms wrapped tightly around her waist. I can't help but smile for a second, because they finally are together. Then I think of Ginny. The look in her eyes, when mine met hers was the most heartbreaking thing I had ever seen, to know that I caused that made me want to tear my heart out. I have to go find her, I need to go find her, to explain to her why things had to go the way they did. I need her to forgive me for every bit of hurt I have caused her over the last year. But as I decide this Molly comes rushing up and envelopes me in a bone crushing hug.

We make our way over to Fred, Remus, and Tonks. I let the tears of hurt and guilt flow down my face. This is going to be hard summer. Poor Teddy, who will grow up like me without his parents, why didn't Tonks stay put at her parent's house? I look over at the Weasleys taking turns, crying over Fred, with George draped over his brother looking completely lost.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for all of this. It should have just been me." I cry, this is horrible, all of this death and destruction because of me. Why all of these people why not just me.

"Nonsense Harry, dear, without you all of us would be dead. We have you to thank for all of our lives." Molly says as she hugs me again. Even as she says these things I feel her start to shake with grief against my shoulder. I look up and all the Weasleys are nodding in agreement with tear streaked faces.

I spend the next several hours, making rounds around the castle, speaking briefly to every injured person and every family member of the lost, but really I am searching for Ginny. I need to see her, touch her, be engulfed in her smell. I need to make sure all of this is real. Just as I start to walk down the corridor to the Fat Lady, Ron runs up.

"Harry, have you seen Ginny? No one can find her. We have searched the whole castle, we are about to start the grounds, do you think you can help?" he asked almost frantic.

"Why didn't anyone tell me sooner. I've been looking for her all this time. If she isn't in the castle, then I have a pretty good idea where she is." I tell him.

"Great. Hermione and me, we thought that you might." He sighs.

As I head toward the entrance hall and out onto the grounds, I think back to last spring and how many glorious hours we spent hidden in a lovely secluded section of trees by the lake. It was our own little world. No war, no death, no classes or exams, just the two of us together. The feel of her hands running through my hair, the feel of her lips on mine, locked in long passionate kisses. The smell of her, completely engulfing me, letting myself get lost in her, completely. It was amazing, I wish I could have stayed there forever.

I call out softly as I near the trees. I can feel it somewhere inside my soul. She is hiding here. I approach and I can hear her creeping out of the trees on the opposite side. I can't figure out why she is trying so hard to stay away. Why, she can't feel the primal pull that I feel for us to be together. I watch as she sneaks along the tree line toward her brother, Charlie. I just stand and watch in awe at the way her body moves, and how much I want to run to her. I watch as she talks to her brother, from where I stand, I can see her face crumple in pain, and then I see the rest of her body follow.

I take off running, but Charlie is faster than I am, even though he is carrying her. I chase after him, and catch up as we get to the Common Room. As he rushes in with her, I see McGonagall give him one look and wave her wand at the stairs to the girl's dormitory.

"Go," is all she says to him.

I move to follow him up the stairs, but I am met at the base by Ron and Hermione.

"Harry," she says, "I think you should just let her rest. Let Mrs. Weasley go up and make sure she is okay before you rush up there. She has had a really rough time and I think she is in shock."

"But Hermione, I …" I start. She can't be serious, she wants me to wait down here. Doesn't she realize I have to be with her. I have to.

"She is right Harry, just wait 'til Charlie comes back down and tells us what is going on." Ron says and pats me on the shoulder.

I sigh dejectedly. I sink onto the nearest sofa. I lay my head back and close my eyes. I think back to the crumpled, pained expression on her face as she collapsed. I wonder if I caused that pain, just the thought of it is enough to make me want to jump out the tower window. I hear Charlie come down the stairs so I jump up. I know before he even starts to talk what he is going to say.

"Harry," he says sadly, "I know you want to go up there, but I think it is a bad idea. I don't know exactly what she is thinking, but she asked me specifically to hide her from you, before she collapsed. I don't think she can handle it right now can you just…"

"WHAT! You want me to just sit down here. I don't think so. What do you mean she wants to hide from me? I know I have to explain a lot to her. Just let me past, I need to be up there when she wakes up. I need to be there… Don't you … Please…" I plead.

"No, I can't let you do that. Just wait…"

I am pretty sure that my heart has stopped beating. I can't catch my breathe. I sink down to the floor. They don't understand. I need Ginny, like oxygen. I have to fix this or my world will end. The distance between us is too much. I closed myself off, so I could end this war and now I just need her.

"Harry," Hermione's voice sounds far away and muddled, "Harry, it's okay. Look at me Harry." I try to focus. I can see her face but it's blurry, "Listen, Ginny is in shock. You have to give her time. This is a lot to handle. Just take a deep breathe. There you go, now let's just go up to your dormitory and lie down."

I breathe in and out slowly, my vision slowly starts to clear and I can feel my body start to respond to my thoughts.

"Hermione, I can't leave here. I have to wait for her. I have to." I can barely whisper.

Just then Mrs. Weasley comes back down from the girl's tower.

"Well, she is going to be fine, just needs rest. Harry, dear, I know. You really need to rest, it looks like it has been days since you slept." She waves her wand and turns one of the couches into bed. "Just lie down now dear, she will wake up soon." She smiles sadly.

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><p>Several hours later, I am lying on the bed in the common room. Thinking. Trying to figure out how I am possibly going to explain everything that happened to her. I don't know what to say to make her understand how much it hurts me to know the pain I have caused her. I know I am not good with words, and I have never been so afraid of how much my fumbling ways could destroy what I need most, her.<p>

I hear shouts coming from the girl's dormitory, I hear her voice. Relief washes over me, knowing that she is okay. I can hear things being thrown haphazardly, then I hear stomping on the stairs. I wait. This is it. This is the moment that she throws herself into my arms, and we can begin to live. Live the life we are supposed to have, together.

She strides right past me, without even looking. It breaks my heart, I don't understand why this is happening. I can sense it though, she knows I am here. What can I possible do if she won't even look at me? She climbs into the fireplace, as she floos away, my eyes catch hers. I put every bit of longing and hurt into them, so that maybe she will stay, but she just disappears in a burst of green flames.


	2. I Can't Do It

I Can't Do It

I slowly open my eyes, I take in my surroundings. I am in my dormitory with Hermione is sitting by my bed. I think back and remember, hurt and pain, death and destruction. I see the look in his eyes, as he sees me in Great Hall, and I remember running and running, and hiding. I remember hearing him call my name and I remember Charlie saying his name and then darkness as I collapse in Charlie's arms. I wonder how long I have been asleep. I can see it the sun is low in the sky but it could be dusk or dawn. Judging by the way Hermione is wringing her hands; I have been here a long time.

"How long was I out?" I whisper, my throat is dry and scratchy.

"Oh, Ginny, thank goodness you are awake, everyone has been so worried. You have been here for about twelve hours. Your mum just left to get some sleep. Let me go get her and tell the boys you're up."

"No let her sleep. Will you stay with me?" I ask.

"Of course I will."

We sit quietly for a time. I can tell Hermione really wants to tell me something. I can see her frowning, I know she doesn't understand what's going on with me. I don't think I can understand it myself yet.

"You know, your brothers were up here about an hour ago. Professor McGonagall lifted the enchantment on the stairs so they could come up. Charlie said you didn't want him here and that you collapsed when he said his name, so I won't say it, but I think you should know his is tearing himself apart trying figure out what to do. He love you, you know.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "I know he wants to come up, but I don't know if I can do it." I tell her.

"Ginny, you can't avoid him forever. You have to talk to him, He loves you and he isn't going to go away anytime soon. When Charlie told him that he shouldn't come up here, he was so broken. I thought I was going to have to get some Dreamless Sleep Potion, to calm him down."

"Hermione, he was dead, I saw him. You saw him, what am I supposed to feel? Can you tell me? How am I supposed to just pretend like that didn't happen? How can you? Please don't send him up yet?"I plead.

"Well, I won't go get him now, but I think when he wakes up you should let him explain it. It will all make sense. I can't tell you what feel, but I know that you two need each other. You guys are going to have a tough time, but it will work out. Just rest until he wakes up."

"No," I tell her, "I am not going to be in this tower when he wakes up." I jump out of bed and start packing my things. I am just throwing things. I can't stand the thought of having to look into his eyes. I am conflicted. One part of me wants to run to him and let him hold me, the other part wants to never have to think about him again. "I am going back to the Burrow, and if you send him after me I will never forgive you." I tell her.

"Ginny, you don't have to do this you know. It isn't nearly as bad as you think it is. Oh, I don't want to explain it to you, he needs to. You just don't know everything yet. Please don't leave." Hermione begged.

"I'm sorry Hermione, but I have to. I can't face all of this right now. I will be at the Burrow, tell my family, only my family! Please Hermione, I know you think I am being irrational, but I really can't deal with this right now."

I send my trunk down the staircase in front of me. I take one look back at Hermione's face. I can see that she is upset with me, but I don't know what else I can do. I walk down the stairs purposefully, and as I near the bottom, my senses are assaulted with a familiar smell. A smell my body wants to run to and sink into and never be without again. My mind is assaulted with memories of that smell and amazing afternoons spend at the lake, or playing Quidditch, or just flying around the ground and lazy afternoon here in the common room. I can feel tears start to form in my eyes and I speed up. I keep my eyes trained on the fireplace. I step into the fireplace with my trunk. As I shout the burrow and turn around my eyes meet two beautiful emerald ones, with a hand stretched out towards me. I can see the hurt in them, but it is nothing compared to the brokenness in mine.

I step out of the fireplace, I am home. It is wonderful to be back at the Burrow after so long. As I walk through the house, I am stopped by a photograph of Fred and George hanging in the sitting room. They are laughing and whispering to each other. I am pretty sure they are up to something. But then I remember, Fred. How sad it was to see his lifeless eyes, with my brothers draped over him weeping. As I start to cry, I head to my room. As I start to climb the stairs, I hear my mother call my name from the kitchen.

I move faster. I open the door to my room and slam it closed behind me so she knows I am here. As I look around, I remember, it was almost a year ago, but to me it feels like yesterday. The way it felt to kiss his soft, warm lips, to have his arms around me. The way his hair felt as I ran my fingers through it. I start to cry again. I lie down on my bed and try to let sleep overtake me again. I hear my mum climb the stairs; I hear the floor squeak as she stops on my landing. I am sure she is pressing her ear to the door, but I don't move. I drift off into a sleep filled with warm kisses and emerald eyes, which are burning through my soul.

The next week is a blur to me. I only leave the sanctuary of my room for the funerals. I go to them all, Remus and Tonks, Colin, Fred, and so many others. It is so sad, to see how many other families are destroyed by the war. I know that we aren't the only ones. I realize that everyone is affected by this war and it isn't fair to shut myself off from my family. They lost a son; they don't need to be worrying about me. I decide this as I am standing next to my mother and father, in the garden, while George inscribes Fred's gravestone.

I look around at all the people, he is standing on the other side of Fred's grave with Ron and Hermione, but his eyes never left me. I felt them through the entire service. I decide it is time to meet them. I lift my head and look into his emerald eyes. I start to feel my heart shatter all over again. As my heart is breaking, my entire body is aching for his touch, and his scent and his warmth to be near me. As a fresh wave a tears start to fall from my eyes, I see the pleading look in his. He wants to be able to comfort me, but he doesn't know is that these tears are for him. These tears are for every bit of hurt I have felt over the last year. These tears are for all the sleepless nights I sat up wondering if he was dead or alive, if he was safe, and most of all these tears are for the love of my life dead on the grounds of Hogwarts, lying at the feet of our enemy as he shouts his victory.

As the pain and hurt overtakes me yet again, my mind and body deceive my heart and give him a slight nod, the sign he has been waiting for. I blink and he is at my side. I feel his lovely strong arms wrap around me, and my body sinks into him. I am lost in him. I start to cry harder. I can tell by the sounds that Fred's funeral is over, I can hear a dull hum around us, which means everyone is slowly making their way to the front for lunch, but we don't move. He is trying is best to comfort me, but he doesn't know that he really isn't helping. Maybe one day I can forget or maybe just be able to push all of this out of my mind and be near him again.

I pull away slightly and look up at his face. I can tell he is happy, happier than he has probably ever been, but I have to have this conversation now. I have to tell him everything and I have to do it before he can tell me anything.

"Harry let's walk, okay?"

He looks back at the last few people making their way through the house; Ron and Hermione are standing by the door, beaming at us through their tears for Fred.

"You guys, go ahead. We are gonna take a walk. Tell your mum so she doesn't worry, Ron."

They just nod and turn and leave us. We start to walk. I know exactly where we are going. We are going to up to the empty field where my brothers like to play Quidditch. I walk a little way apart from Harry, so I can keep my thoughts in order. But even with this space between us, my head swims with his scent. I feel like two people in one body. Part of me wants him to hold me and comfort me until I stop to hurt and the other part of me wants to run away now and never be tempted to look into those wonderful eyes again.

As we step into the clearing, I am exhausted from the walk, from the internal battle I have been having, and because I know I have made my decision. I have to do this. It is what I have to do. I have to survive and this is how I have to do it.

I settle down on the grass and point to a spot across from me. Harry gives me a pained expression, but sits down. He opens his mouth to speak but I stop him.

"Harry, I know I should have done this sooner. I realize now that hiding up in my room from you is not the answer. I just didn't think I could handle being in the same room with you. Over the last week though, it got a little easier. I…"

"Ginny, I love you; I really, really love you. I don't have much time. Just let me say this. I can't change the way things happened, and I wouldn't even if I could because this was the best way to keep you safe. I needed you safe. I hope you understand that, I have lost everyone I have ever loved, except for you, Ron and Hermione, I was going to do whatever I had to keep you safe." I open my mouth to interrupt him; this isn't going how I wanted it to.

"No, don't talk yet, I am going to let you, but you have to know what is happening now. Earlier this week, Ron, Hermione, and I met with Minister Shacklebot. That still sounds weird. Anyways, Ron and I have signed on to go with the Aurors abroad to capture the remaining Death Eaters. We are leaving tonight. That is why I have been trying to talk to you all week. We will be gone a few months, you will probably be at school when I get back, but that doesn't matter. After this is over you are all I plan to live for."

I close my eyes, maybe this will okay, but I don't think it will. More tears start to fall. This is how it will always be. There will always be someone bad who he feels like he had capture, and leave me. I know, I can tell by the look in his eye, nothing I say can stop him from going. My mind starts to go through my options; I can leave things as they are for now, until he comes back, if he comes back. I can tell him how much I love him and need him and watch him leave as my heart breaks, or…. Yes, I have to do it. I look up into his eyes and for a moment, I let myself get lost in them.

"Harry… I… I want you to know, I have loved you from the first time I saw you at Kings Cross, when I was ten, probably if I was completely honest with myself, before that, when Mum and Dad would tell us your story. I will love you until the day I die, but I can't do this. I can't let myself hurt over you anymore. I just can't, my body, no… my soul can't handle anymore. I don't want you to come back here for me. I know this is your family as much as it is mine, but don't' expect me here when you get back. I don't want you to come to me at school when this is over."

I stop and take a deep breath, I don't look at him. I know this is killing him, I don't want to see his face or I will change my mind, but I can't. I can't change my mind, for the sake of my sanity.

"I have been offered an internship at St. Mungo's after I graduate. I am going to move to London. Go be an Auror and save to world over and over. That is what makes you happy. It's what you feel like you have to do, but please don't worry about me. I am going to be fine. I have a wonderful life set up for me. You have Ron and Hermione they will take good care of you."

I stand up and look down at him. He is staring up at me, with tears in his eyes.

"Ginny, please..." he pleads. " You haven't let me even tell you the whole story yet, please…

"Harry, just know that I love you, okay?" I close the distance between us.

He stands and wraps his arms around me. I can sense what is coming, I can feel it. I look up and close my eyes as his lips capture mine. It is wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time. My mind and body soak up every bit of him. This is the last time we will touch; this is the last time I will feel his body pressed to mine. I feel my resolve crumble, as his lips leave my mine and capture my neck."Please, please" he pleads, "I need you, and I know you need me."

The sensations are wonderful, but my mind is screaming for me to stop. I can't control myself; I give into his pleadings, just for this one last time. I know this is it. My live is over. So I give myself one last piece of happiness.

As I leave to clearing, I turn and look back, he is sitting with his face buried in his knees and I can see his body shaking, but I keep my composure until I am back in the safety of my room. As I lock the door, I let myself crumble.

* * *

><p>I sit on the ground, she left me. She doesn't want to be with me. This doesn't make sense. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I have to talk to her. She can't leave things like this. This isn't fair. I did everything that I was supposed to do. I was supposed to get my happy ending. I am supposed to get what I want now, I am supposed to win. I make up my mind. She is not going to end things this way. She has to listen; she has to let me explain. I won't give up until she listens to the whole story before she just leaves. I stand up and brush off my robes, wipe my eyes. I stride purposefully back toward the Burrow. As I near the garden, I see that everyone is done with lunch, and milling around outside.<p>

"Harry, there you are!" Ron calls, "you missed lun…" I stick up my hand to stop him, and storm right past him. "Hey, what are you so upset about? Ouch"

Hermione steps on his foot. I hear her hiss in his ear, "Obviously, Ginny. She came back ages ago."

I ignore them. As I near the house, the door is flung open my inability to control my magic. As I stomp through the kitchen and up the stairs, I take a deep breath and calm myself. I take the stairs two at a time and come to a stop outside Ginny's door. I knock softly.

"Ginny, please open the door." I request gently. I can hear her muffled cries.

"Go Away! I have said what I need to say already." She says.

"No, I'm not. You have to listen to me. You don't know everything. You just have to listen; please I don't have much time to explain, so you have to let me." My anger at the absurdity of this situation is starting to bubble up again.

"No, Harry. I told you I can't do this. I won't do this. Just run along and capture your Death Eaters, and then whoever the next group of Dark Wizards will be. I told you I have a plan, and I used to think it included you, but it doesn't. So just go."

"Damn it, Ginny. This is ridiculous. I love you. I need you. You can't just shut me out. I know you need me too. I can feel it. I can see it when you look at me this is just dumb." I yell. I can hear whispers from the kitchen, and know everyone is listening. "Please just let me in so I can talk to you."I beg, quietly this time. I hear the lock click, and I know she is going to let me come in. I slowly open the door. I don't know what to expect. I am afraid that she has just let me in so she can hex me, but I am willing to take the chance. She can do whatever she wants to me as long as she lets me explain. Her back is to me, so I stay on the opposite side of the room. Even though all I want to do is hold her. The urge is so strong, that I have to take a step back. I look down at my watch and see that I only have an hour left before Ron and I have to leave for the Ministry.

"Ginny, I had to leave you. You couldn't just run off with my last year. It was hard enough to keep people from asking too many questions about Ron. It was too dangerous. I told you, I have to keep you safe. You have to stay safe. It is how I know I can keep living. You are everything. And after we got back to Hogwarts there wasn't enough time to explain things. I didn't even know everything yet. It was just kind of coming to me as I went." I take a step toward her. I know she can feel me getting closer. I see her body tremble with longing, but she stays facing the window.

"I know I hurt you, and I want to spend the rest of eternity trying to make up for it, but you have to understand. I am not going to lie to you. When I left Dumbledore's office for the Forest, I knew what was going to happen. I went intending to die, for you. For everyone that I love, but mostly for you, so that you could live, all I want is for you to live and be happy." I feel tears stinging my eyes, I just want her to turn and look at me so she can know that I mean what I am telling her. I think about seeing her out on the grounds at Hogwarts.

"You know, I saw you, when I was going out to meet Voldemort. I saw you helping that girl. I know you felt me there. I had to force myself to keep walking. I knew that if I stopped and talked to you, I would never be able to do it. I knew I had to though, I had to do it. It would have been pointless to stop. If I hadn't done it we would all be dead now. You would be, and I can't ever let that be my fault. You have to be alive and happy. You have to," I close the distance between us. I turn her around and make her look at me. The tears I see break my heart. I don't want to hurt her anymore.

"Harry, I just can't. You say you want me to be happy. Then just go. You have to just go. Don't make this any harder than it had to be. I don't know why you won't just leave. I just can't love you anymore, please, for me." She pleads, as her tears fall faster.

My heart shatters, nothing I say is going to change her mind. I can see the resolve in her eyes, she made her decision. This is it, the end. I lean down and kiss her fiercely. This is really the last time I will feel her close to me. I feel her try and drawback, but I hold her firmly. I break away after a moment. I don't say anything; I just turn and go, trying to ignore her sobs. I am numb, no thoughts, just numb.

When I enter the kitchen I look at Ron and Hermione. I see Hermione startle at the look on my face. They are the only ones still waiting. I don't know where the others are and I don't care.

"Right, guess it is time to be off," Ron says quickly. I just walk past and out the door, I don't even wait for Ron to tell Hermione bye. By the time he is coming out the door, I am past the wards and turning to Apparate, with one last longing look at the fiery red hair in the upstairs window.


	3. Missing

A/N: So this chapter is a little bit shorter than the others, but I wanted to get it up. Thanks everyone who is reviewing! Keep it up!

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><p>I sit in my room staring out the window. The sun is setting and it beautiful, but all I feel is sadness. I know what I did was awful, my heart was broken by the look in his eyes, but at the same time I also feel better. It's all so confusing and I know that I can't answer everyone's questions of why I did it, I just know I had to, in that moment that was all I could I do. Three days ago, I let the love of my life storm out of here, and I know it was my fault and I should have done something but I just can't. No one understands; none of them had their hearts ripped out. I sigh. Someone knocks on the door.<p>

"Ginny, do you think I could come in?" Hermione asks from outside the door. I wave my wand and unlock the door.

"Hey," I say trying to sound normal.

"Hey, Ginny, everyone is worried about you. I thought maybe you wanted to talk about it. I know I didn't hear everything, from what I heard the other night you must need to talk. I mean if, it was me I would need to. You don't have to if you don't want but…." Hermione rambles. I grin just a little, I have missed her terribly.

"Hermione it's okay, you are right. I think I do want to talk about it, actually." I close my eyes for just a moment. "It's all so confusing; I really thought you would hate me for what I did. I know Ron will. I just can't deal with it right now you know. I just need to figure out how to keep going. It hurts me to push him away, but I can't handle happy right now, and the way he looks at me. He would be so happy, I mean I want him to be happy, I guess, but I can't be the one to do that. I am angry and sad and broken. It's so… so…" I break down and start to cry, sob really.

"Shhh… It's okay," Hermione rushes over and hugs me. We sit there for a long time, while I cry and she tries to comfort me. It really feels good to talk to her. I know how crazy I sound, but this war, it was hell on me. I spent every night wondering where they were, what they were doing, if they were okay. I sit up and wipe my eyes.

"Ginny, I understand, you know. It's hard to think about having to start this new life, in this new environment when so many people we love are gone. I understand that; just don't push everyone away, okay?" She smiles.

"I don't want to push everyone away and I honestly don't think I am feeling guilty about living. I think it's more like," I stop and think so I can properly describe the feeling, I'm not sure if I can. "It's like my heart was torn out of my chest when he was dead, and now he isn't and as happy as I am knowing he is alive, my mind is protecting my heart from that feeling. I can't look at him, is so conflicting. I want to run into his arms and never move, but my mind or whatever won't let me because it will hurt too much if I get to close and something happens." I start to cry again.

"Ginny, everything will work itself out. You have to believe that, just don't hide up here. You have a family that loves you and needs you. I need you, with the boys gone, I really need you." Hermione pleads.

"Your right," I say as I dry my eyes again. "I won't hide up here, but first tell me. How angry is everyone about what I did to him? I can't stand thinking that they all hate me." I ask.

"Oh, well. I don't think everyone knows really. I mean Ron and I were waiting on Harry in the kitchen, but the others were outside and no one seems to realize it yet." She answers. Great, now I will have to tell everyone, this isn't going to be fun.

"Alright well, let's go down and see if Mum needs help in the kitchen." I get up and walk purposely to the door, with Hermione trailing after me.

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><p>I am sitting in a safe house somewhere in the Italian countryside. We just got a tip that there is going to be meeting of some sort in an hour. I am the only one here; I sent a word to Ron and the others ten minutes ago. If he doesn't get back to me in two I am going on my own. We have to get Lucius; we have to get him now. He is drawing to much support from the French Death Eaters. If this keeps up we will have a whole new war to fight. I am pacing. Merlin, this is so frustrating. I can't just sit they know what just sitting is doing to me. If I don't have anything to do then I think about her, and I don't know what to do. I want to portkey back there and shake her. I don't know what happened; I thought for sure I was going to get my happy ending. I can't take this anymore. I am not going to sit around her stewing about what could possibly be going on in her brain.<p>

I storm out of the safe house and apparate to the edge of the property so I don't set off any of their wards. I am fairly certain that they don't know we are coming, our source only just learned of the location. I throw my invisibility cloak on and slowly make my way toward to the cottage. If I didn't know what was in there, it would be a lovely place. As I slowly make my way forward, I feel the magic of the wards as I cross them, I stop. Watching, listening. When no one comes out of the house I keep moving. There is a crack behind me, I turn slowly, knowing I am invisible I hope to stupefy whoever it is. Just as I catch sight of the familiar platinum hair he cries out "Stupefy," Then nothing.

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><p>We are sitting in kitchen, watching Mum as she starts to make dinner. She won't let us help; she just sat us down at the table with tea and told us not to move. As I watch her I see how sad she is. I feel horrible for locking myself up in my room. She needs me; I am going to do better. No more sulking, I can figure out my feeling while I help her. I look over at Hermione; she has a worried look on her face.<p>

"What's the matter, Hermione?" I ask her.

"I don't know. I just got a really bad feeling. I don't even know what about, just all the sudden I feel worried. It's been happening the last few days, I think I just don't know what to do with Harry and Ron gone. I haven't been apart from them in almost a year. I was just really hoping to hear from them by now, but I am sure they are just…"

She is interrupted by a loud pop as Ron appears suddenly.

"It's…Harry…"he gasps as he tries to catch his breath. "We left him at our safe house so we could do some surveillance on a few cottages in the countryside. I made him stay behind because he was being really reckless," he pauses so he can glare at me. I guess I should have known he would be angry with me, but the look on his face right now, reduces me to tears. I run from the kitchen, out the door into the garden, and tear across the open field toward the stream that runs nearby. As I reach the water, I slow down and catch my breath. I can't handle this, it's all too much. Ron blames me for whatever it is that happened to Harry. I guess if I am honest with myself, I blame me too. I know I hurt him, but everyone knows it's in his nature to run off and be the hero, how is that my fault. Oh it is. I just can't admit it to myself yet.

I can hear someone coming toward me through the trees. Ugh, if that is Ron I am going to curse him into next week. I cannot deal with his guilt trip. I don't even think there is anything I can do about it now. What am I going to do, I turned him away, but I still haven't worked out my feelings. Now he is gone again. It hurts too much to think about, this is what I was afraid of, I haven't even let my guard down and it hurts so much I feel like I am being ripped apart.

"Ginny," its Hermione, thank Merlin. She will understand. By the time she sits down beside me I am sobbing. "Ginny, it's okay; I know you probably feel awful. Ron said that they have every Auror from Ministry on their way to Italy. They will find him." She states confidently.

"I… I just… this is what I was afraid of. That is why I pushed him away and now look. I was right. He can't not be a hero, he can't just sit by and wait for help he has to go off and… and…" I can't even finish. This is all too real. I see all the images from the past few weeks. Dead Fred… Dead Tonks… Dead Lupin… Dead Colin… Dead Harry… I feel myself sink down and I feel the cool grass against my face.

"Well, let's get you back to house, shall we?" Hermione casts a levitation charm and I feel myself drift back toward the Burrow.


	4. Starting Over

Paste your docu

Starting Over

I enter through the front door and drop my things on sofa. I look around at the flat, I am so proud of our little flat. It's so homey and comfortable, but right now all I want is to take a nice long bath. Quidditch practice was killer today. When I got my letter to play professionally I was ecstatic, but I had no idea how hard it was going to be, grueling really. I walk toward the hall, and call out.

"Hermione, are you home?" I stop when I get to my bedroom door. I don't hear anything, so I grab some comfortable clothes and head toward the bath. While I soak in the tub, I think about the last few years. They have been really hard. I have kept myself busy so that I don't have to think on it very often, but at times like these I can't help it. Three years, well almost three, Harry went missing. It still makes me cry to think about it. No one has given up hope; Hermione is a force to be reckoned with. After he went missing, she started working on the case full time for the Ministry and still went back and finished her last year at Hogwarts. I was there; it was nothing short of amazing. Me, I filled up my time with anything and everything I could so I didn't have to think about or see the look on Ron's face every time we were in the same room. It's hard, I can't handle hard. The war broke me in ways I still haven't even begun to figure out. I became obsessed with training, it paid off in the end. Now I am the star chaser for the Harpies, but I am really just an empty shell.

As I climb out of the bath and start to get dressed, I hear the door slam and mad like stampeding through the apartment.

"GINNY…GINNY…" I hear Hermione cry.

"Hang on, I'll be out in…."the door flies open just as I pull my shirt over my head. Hermione stands in the doorway looking euphoric.

"They found him." She beams at me.

I stare at her.

"They… found… him. You know my best friend, the love of your life even if you won't admit it, savior of the wizarding world, Harry Bloody Potter. They found him, and he is back in England, and as soon as he is he is all healed up and speaks with the Minister he is coming here. He is going to stay in the extra bedroom."

"Hold on a second, here. I don't think that's a good…"I stammer.

"Ginny, he doesn't have anywhere else to go. He needs rest and quiet, so the Burrow is out. He's been held captive for three years and I am not sending him to stay at Grimmauld Place its dark enough to make anyone try and off themselves. Besides, you miss him. I know you won't say it out loud or probably even admit to yourself, but you will see when he gets here, you miss him and you need him." She skips out of the room and into the guest room,.

"Fine Hermione, he can come here." I follow her through the flat. "It's not like I spend much time here anyways. And even if I did miss him it wouldn't matter because I ended things with him a long time ago. Three years changes people."

"Whatever, I am going back to get him from St. Mungo's. Also you should know Ron is coming, but I don't think he is going to give you a hard time today." She adds as she bounced out the door.

Ron. The last three years have been really hard on him. He has taken it out on me; he still blames me for Harry running off so reckless. I don't know maybe it is my fault, I tell everyone that they should have known this would happen but when I am alone, I let myself feel guilt. When I watched him storm out of the Burrow, I felt like I was finally going to able to start to heal. Those first few days were easy almost, I was back to some form of my former self. It was strange because I always thought that I would never be whole without Harry, but when he went off to Italy I felt like I could breathe. Then after a few days, and many conversations with Hermione, I realized that I needed him. Once he was away again, all I wanted was for him to come back so that I could take back everything I said. Then he was missing, I couldn't bear to be a part of finding him, not that Mum would have let me anyways, but I was devastated. I couldn't let it show though, I let him go, I pushed him to go actually, I was so blinded by all the pain I just let him run off and end up Merlin knows where, now…. Now he just going to be dropped on my door step, what am I supposed to do with that?

I wander through the flat, picking stray items and returning them to their proper place. Then I head to the kitchen and start some tea. While the water heats, I reach for the cabinet with the Firewhiskey in it. I take a deep drink straight from the bottle, to calm my nerves. I sink into a chair as the whiskey burns it's way down my throat, and let my shoulders relax. Just as the tea pot starts to whistle, I hear the unmistakable sound of someone coming through the floo. I take a deep breath and head for the living room.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

I wake up in a sterile smelling room, I slowly open up my eyes and take in my surroundings, this is obviously St. Mungo's, or maybe a different wizarding hospital somewhere. I don't really know where I am, the last think I remember was men in masks torturing and interrogating me repeatedly. Out the window, I notice that it is sometime midday, huh. Last time I saw a window it was dark out, but I have no idea how long ago that was. The door swings open and I look over, to a pretty blonde witch in Healer robes.

"Oh good, Mr. Potter you are awake. We were hoping you would wake up today." She says cheerily as she starts to poke and prod me with her wand. I wince when she touches my ribs. "Hmmm, these ribs are severely broken, I will go get Healer Revean, I think he will want to heal them slowly."

"Excuse me, but how long have I been here?" I ask, it hurts to even speak, and my voice is raspy.

"Well they brought you in last night, I am not surpised you don't remember, you were out cold."

Okay, I haven't lost that much time. That is definitely good.

"Where exactly am I and who are you?"

"You are in St. Mungo's, of course. I am Melanie, I am Healer Revean's junior Healer. The Auror team brought you in around midnight last night, and now you are in the Grievous Injury ward. Of course, I don't think you will stay here, you injuries are extensive, but you will be fine. I will let Healer Revean tell you about it." She smiles warmly at me.

She leaves the room and I start to assess myself. It hurts to move every part of my body, but everything moves. I can feel several bandages, some on my right arm, my left leg, and round my head. As sore as I feel, I am sure there are more. I slowly try to sit up. It is excruciating, my ribs are on fire, and my breath is really sallow, but I am determined. Just as I get upright, the door to my room swings open. Melanie is following behind a burly looking man with brown hair and square glasses perched on the end of his nose.

"Mr. Potter, how on earth did you get up?" He asks.

"I hate being stuck in a bed." I reply.

"I have heard from Poppy about how hard you can be to deal with. But I really don't think you should be sitting, at least until I have fully assessed your injuries."

"Well, why didn't you do it when I was unconscious then?" I say grumpily.

"Well, you can't very well tell me what hurts if you are unconscious can you? Let's see then," he waves his wand over my body and shakes his head. Then he starts to poke me the same way Melanie did before, I hiss as he touches my right side.

"Okay, Mr. Potter, I believe your worse injury is your ribs here, I could just heal them with magic, but the result would leave you weakened on your right side, so unless you want to give up on being an Auror compeletly then I suggest we heal these the Muggle way. Bind him up Melanie." He strides purposefully to the door, just before he disappears he turns and looks back a me, "It's good to have you back Mr. Potter, you have been sorely missed."

As Melanie binds up my ribs, I think. Sorely missed, how long have I been gone? I know it has been a while, but I don't have any idea what day it is.

"Melanie… what day is it?" I request.

"April 25." She says happily. Okay so, we went to Italy in May of 1998, I wonder why it took them that long to find me.

"So it's 1999 then wow…"

"Oh no, Mr. Potter…"

"Please call me Harry, I hate Mr. Potter. I am just Harry."

"Well, ummm… H… Harry, it's 2001, not 1999. You have been gone almost three years." She corrects me.

Oh Merlin, three years. What the hell happened to me? Mostly I just remember torture, but I search my brain for the last coherent memory I have… I am standing in the Italian countryside, watching. I can't remember why I am alone or what I was watching for. I close my eyes to try and bring back the picture, but the door to my room crashes open. My eyes snap open and swing toward the sound. In the doorway, stands my two best friends. Ron and Hermione, both look out of breath, but they both are smiling.

"Excuse me, but you can't just barge in here, I am tending to a sick patient. I am going to have to ask you to…."

"No way am I leaving." Ron interrupts Melanie. "I would have been in here sooner, but I had to debrief with Kingsley and then floo Mum and Dad, and Hermione. Plus you were completely out of it mate, I didn't miss much." Now they are both standing beside my bed. Hermione now has a look of concern on her face.

"Harry are you in a lot of pain? You look awful." She sniffs a little.

"Gee thanks Hermione, you really know how to make a guy feel special." I reply trying to lighten her mood. I see Melanie sneak out of the room just as Hermione flings her arms around me in a tight hug. I hiss.

"Oh I am so sorry Harry. I am just so glad you are alive. You have no idea how great it is to have you home."

"Yeah mate, I thought we were never going to find you. Don't ever go off like that again without telling anyone where you are going? Nothing, not a single thing to give us any idea about where to look for you, it was like you just dropped off the face of the planet."

I sigh.

"Listen, I am a little overwhelmed right now, and I don't really remember what happened. I mean I know what happened up until I went to Italy with you, Ron. Then I remember, standing in the countryside and watching, but other than that I don't remember anything except what happened in that dungeon, I honestly didn't think it was that long."

"Don't worry about it now," Hermione says as she pats my hand. "I am going to take you back to my flat. I think you will rest better there. The healer says you can heal those ribs from home. I already made up the spare room for you and Ginny was making tea when I left, so as soon as…"

My head snaps up to look at her. Ginny, she lives with Ginny.

"Hermione…"

"I don't want to hear it. We are going, just as soon as the healer brings me your potions." Her voice rings with a finality that would rival Mrs. Weasley.

I just shake my head. Ron is grinning at her while she walks to the door to find Healer Revean.

"She is something, isn't she?"

"So you two are still together then?"

Ron just nodded.


End file.
